M c E A T O N ’ S

Weekly/Monthly Humor Since About Probably April

McEatons.com is a reguarly updated collection of Sam Eaton’s regularly rejected humor pieces written for McSweeneys.com        Hope you enjoy      

Short Imagined Monologues



Hello voters. It’s us again. The pale people in powerful government positions responsible for the bulk of voter suppression in America.

And we are here just to let you know that once again we are planning on suppressing your vote this election, and that there is nothing you can do to stop us.

This is the game we like to play each November. You try to fulfill your most “protected” constitutional right, and we try to stop you. Isn’t that fun? Because our party of evil white people is willing to do what the other party of slightly less, yet still evil white people are willing to do — cheat American democracy in order to win.

Fuck it we might even close your polling place the day before the election! We don’t care. We just don’t want you to vote.

Just try and stop us. You can’t. We are the people who write the laws. So come election day, expect our suppression to prevail. Our pale rulership for another four years. And for this voter suppression to exist forever.

Or you might outvote us. In which case, we will probably claim voter fraud on your behalf, attempt to sue you, and interfere with the courts.

And if all that fails we’ll just tell our voter base to kill you.

Good luck voting!


Monday Nov 5 2018