M c E A T O N ’ S

Weekly/Monthly Humor Since About Probably April

McEatons.com is a reguarly updated collection of Sam Eaton’s regularly rejected humor pieces written for McSweeneys.com        Hope you enjoy      




1. Contact the IRS and inform them that you are desperate for money and would like to receive a stimulus check.

2. They will passive aggressively mail a letter back asking if you actually really need the money.

3. You will mail a letter back saying “Yes”.

4. They will send you a fake stimulus check. Don’t be fooled by this.

5. On the back of the check letter will be an invisible map. You can’t see it but it will be there. Trust us.

6. You’ll need to activate the invisible map on the back. To do this you will need to create a special mixture made from lemon juice and freshly shed tears from someone who will be soonly evicted.

7. If you aren’t getting evicted you will need to find someone who is and collect their tears. This shouldn’t be too hard. Lots of people are.

8. Once you have gathered enough tears, gently spread them on the back of the fake check.

9. Heat the check up with your breath and then wait an hour for the map to appear.

10. Follow the map across the country to a gentrifying neighborhood in Washington D.C. where you will need to assist government officials evicting a family who has lived there for generations.

11. One of the evicted family members will hand you a handwritten note as they are being forced out of their house. This note will tell you the address of a secret underground bunker where Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi are waiting for arm wrestling match to determine if you will receive your stimulus check or not.

12. You feel confident about an arm wrestling match against Nancy and Mitch because they are old and weak. You are not. You are strong. But poor.

13. You make your way to the bunker and enter.

14. Upon entering you realize that instead of Nancy and Mitch, it’s just two large two large Russian men wearing name tags that read  ‘Hello I’m Nancy’ and ‘Hello I’m Mitch.’

15. They insist you arm wrestle them instead. You look at their forearms and feel tiny and small. You protest and start to leave.

16. But then you remember that your rent is due next week and that you need this check. An inspiring montage plays in your head and you summon all of your pandemic rage to triumphantly defeat the large muscular men.

17. They allow you to move to the next room after you take a shot of vodka with them. They pat you on the back as you wipe the alcohol from your mouth.

18. You walk into the next room with a slight buzz. 

19. You open the next door and see Nancy and Mitch waiting for you. You walk in and ask for your stimulus check.

20. They say no. Pull a bag over your head, take the money from your wallet, and toss your body into the Potomac River.

21. You drown. Checkless and still poor. 

22. The End


Monday Nov 5 2018