M c E A T O N ’ S

Weekly/Monthly Humor Since About Probably April

McEatons.com is a reguarly updated collection of Sam Eaton’s regularly rejected humor pieces written for McSweeneys.com        Hope you enjoy      

Open Letters To People Or Entities Unlikely To Respond



Hello young and desperate recent graduates,

If you’re reading this, and still looking for a minimally, but still slightly toxic working relationship with an “employer” in these “uncertain” times, you’re in luck!

I am excited to announce my brand new internship program. An internship program designed to teach you all the basics of internships, by helping me, Sam Eaton, search for and get an internship.

The perfect candidate for this internship will possess the ability to scour Linkedin for hours on end without hating themselves. Help me email Creative Directors. And console me when I eventually get rejected from internships and feel insecure about my worth as a creative human being.

It is noted that prior experience with emotional consoling is not required, but preferred.

By accepting this internship you have my sincere promise to not be paid a fair wage. But what it lacks in providing any real financial support, will be made up for by the wonderful satisfaction that comes by doing another person a real solid. It’s important to not let the lack of pay distract you from the greatest gift of life, working hard for nearly nothing!

Welcome to Capitalism baby!

Additionally, I can guarantee that this internship will probably not be a worthwhile learning experience. And that the time spent working for me, will in no way be full of great llife. In total honesty, you probably won’t learn a single useful skill throughout the entirety of this internship, but you’ll be doing me a big favor. So thanks.

And even though there is still a small invisible virus intent on killing you, I hope that you’ll still consider relocating to the office – my childhood bedroom in California, which you’re totally free to stay in with me. My Mom said that there’s a blow-up mattress in the attic that I can inflate if you want.

We hope that you are intrigued and will consider interning with us!

I look forward to exploiting you!


Monday Nov 5 2018