M c E A T O N ’ S

Weekly/Monthly Humor Since About Probably April

McEatons.com is a reguarly updated collection of Sam Eaton’s regularly rejected humor pieces written for McSweeneys.com        Hope you enjoy      

Fake News Story



Last night, after over two thousand years, Jesus Christ finally returned.

At around 8 P.M he materialized over a BLM protest in Downtown Portland. Cell phone footage from bystanders shows him descending from the sky surrounded naked babies playing various instruments. The crowd of anti-police protesters, pro-police protesters, and police officers, all stopped protesting for a second and silently watched in awe as Jesus beamed down.

And for once in an incredibly dark year, things seemed as if they were finally about to begin turning around. With Jesus finally here, this was to be the end of needless violence and hate and turmoil. But sadly, after centuries of waiting, Jesus Christ’s second coming was cut short – after just an hour of protesting police brutality in the streets of Portland.
Christ was last seen approaching the front line of police officers.

These officers poorly trained and afraid, followed their instincts and began aggressively restraining the Messiah. They yelled, tazed, sprayed, and pinned him to the pavement while screaming for him to stop his glowing. Bystanders attempted to intervene but were dispersed by tear gas and rubber bullets. Cellphone footage shows Christ losing consciousness after a couple minutes and his glow dimming. His body was left uncovered on the street for hours.

Police reports detail he died of unrelated issues but an independent autopsy commissioned by the local churches concluded that Christ died of asphyxiation due to neck and back compression. The officers responsible have not been charged yet and the Police Union believes that their officers acted accordingly in self-defense.

It’s another terrible day in America again – as the police have unnecessarily killed another innocent human being, this time, Jesus Christ.

Monday Nov 5 2018