M c E A T O N ’ S

Weekly/Monthly Humor Since About Probably April

McEatons.com is a reguarly updated collection of Sam Eaton’s regularly rejected humor pieces written for McSweeneys.com        Hope you enjoy      

Short Imagined Monologue



Everybody freeze! Put your hands up! And keep your masks on! I’m a dangerous man in a mask who is here to rob this bank, so shut up and pay attention!

Now before I begin, I just want to take a second and let everyone here know that while you may think that I am just another bank robber – wearing a mask in order to conceal my face and more coldly commit violent action, you’re wrong.

I’m acutally wearing a mask because I respect your health and am consciously abiding by the moral expectations we all have of each other in these crazy times.

So don’t think for a second that I am just another cold hearted robber who doesn’t care about your well being and only wants your money. I am actually a really nice guy, who also just happens to be a bank robber who wants all of your money.

Which I know is a morally confusing position, being so empathetic and violent, but here I am, at the intersection of empathy and violence, wearing a mask and robbing all of you. Totally sympathetic to your fear of the coronavirus threatening your wellbeing, all while standing in front of you, with a loaded weapon, actively threatening your
well being.

So I would appreciate it if you would all stay calm, stand six feet apart, and quietly hand over your phones and wallets, because I’m already on edge just thinking about our county’s uncontrolled rising COVID numbers, as well as having to act intimidating in front of all of you.

But!  If anyone here gets any ideas and thinks that today's the day to try to be a hero, remember that just because I am compassionately following the mask law, doesn’t mean I will follow any of other laws – like the one that says to not shoot you. Many times. With my gun. Which I properly sanitized before driving over here.

But I have not sanitized any of my bullets! So if I shoot you, you’ll have a gunshot wound from an unsanitized bullet, which I think adds a nice threat in these germaphobic times. And worse comes to worst, if you’re really making this robbery difficult, I’ll order a handful of people in here to come over to you, pull down your mask, and cough on your face. And then I’ll shoot you.

So everyone, please, no funny business.

Okay, now that I’ve got all your phones and wallets, and made it crystal clear that I am not just another cold hearted robber – just a dude who cares about your health and happens to rob banks, I need the bank tellers to gather up all the loose cash behind the registers and hand it over to me.

Alright, now that I have everything I need, I am going to make my escape. As I leave I need all of you to get down on the floor. Yes, I know. The floor. Full of floor germs. Each with the possibility of being the one that puts you on a ventilator.

But if you don’t lay down, I’ll shoot you, and my gun will definitely put you on a ventilator, so it’s your choice. Good. I’m glad that you are all cooperating so well.

Oh and just one more thing before I go, I just wanted to thank you all for being so brave in the middle of this public health crisis and for wearing your masks so well. Also shoutout to the essential workers here! You guys rock!


Monday Nov 5 2018