M c E A T O N ’ S

Weekly/Monthly Humor Since About Probably April

McEatons.com is a reguarly updated collection of Sam Eaton’s regularly rejected humor pieces written for McSweeneys.com        Hope you enjoy      

Short Imgagined Monologue



Unless you live in a state that continues to be a COVID hotspot Hell hole – you probably haven’t had much human contact lately.

But with the distant promise of a vaccine on the horizon, it is finally time to wake up that smile, dust off those people's skills, because at some point you are going to have to interact with humans again.

Now there’s a lot to be nervous about when interacting with other humans. Misspoken words. Missed visual cues. Missed intentions. People are going to be on edge for a while after this is all over. Who knows? Maybe we’ll be on edge forever after this?

So firstly, we think that the most important tip for human interaction will be the interaction itself. Stringing together words that mean something and actively respond to the other person’s words is a good place to start. After spending so much time in isolation or silently hiding behind a mask, when you speak, your words may come out slower or not at all. Fight through the uncomfortability and project your voice!

Secondly, after the vaccine comes out and you start interacting with people again, you might not be wearing a mask. Keep that in mind. Things are going to be weird, awkward, and probably a bit sweaty. So brush those teeth and hit those pits with a double swipe of that deo because the world will soon be a pungent place!

The past months of social distancing has deprived everyone in this narcissistic society of what they crave most, personal attention. And once the flood gates open again and all these attention starved humans are given the green light, the bars will be full of people trying to make the party all about them.

While it’s important not to engage, take a long look into their eyes, acknowledge their loneliness, make a quick mental note and move on. Make sure not to be this person. Unless you have to. Then go for it and enjoy the attention. Beware of coughing or sneezing.

People will no doubt still be sensitive to this and still flinch at the sound of a nearby cough or sneeze. Just the sound will make them feel unsafe and want to go home. Try to stifle it for as long as you can or go cough in the bathroom.

Another tip is to try and make sure to try and laugh when you find something funny. Not too much, but a nice hearty laugh. You may have lost a part of yourself to the pandemic. The world has not been a very humorous place the past year and it may have temporarily affected your ability to find humor in situations.

Try laughing to yourself now to see how it feels.

Was it weird? It sounded weird. 

That’s all the tips I have! Good luck!


Monday Nov 5 2018