M c E A T O N ’ S

Weekly/Monthly Humor Since About Probably April

McEatons.com is a reguarly updated collection of Sam Eaton’s regularly rejected humor pieces written for McSweeneys.com        Hope you enjoy      

Open Letters To People Or Entities Unlikely To Respond



Dear loyal consumer,

In light of recent events and recent accusations, we wanted to take a moment to speak with you. Over the past couple of months, it’s come to our attention that by most people, we are considered to be one of the most historically problematic brands in existence.

And because of this reputation, we wanted to take this moment to reassure all of you, our loyal consumers, that we hear your cries for change. That we stand with your demands for justice. And we totally plan on eventually helping.

But currently, an Instagram post is really the best we can do. 

Not be the direct and tangible action that you all have been asking for, but doing anymore than what we are already doing, which is absolutely nothing, would probably cost us a lot of money and we aren’t sure that we want to do that! 

So we hope this Instagram post appeases you and we would appreciate it if you would stop commenting on our posts about our “toxic performative allyship” or “self-serving social media displays” because honestly we don’t know what the fuck that is and it’s kinda killing our vibe.

As a classically destructive capitalistic company with minimal empathy for everyday people, we really care about making money, hitting our profits, and lying to your gullible little faces with a vague mission statement that ironically talks about “justice for all.”

Think about all the people inside forced labor camps who make our shoes! Even though they’re forced, we still pay them! Even if it’s just a dollar a day isn’t that at least somewhat admirable? I mean when’s the last time someone thanked us for that? We do some good.

So how about if you promise to stop calling us out for doing nothing, we will keep making the product you love and. Sound like a deal? Good that’s what we thought.

Make sure to tag and share our Instagram post, and stop critiquing us!


Monday Nov 5 2018