McEatons.com is a reguarly updated collection of Sam Eaton’s regularly rejected humor pieces written for McSweeneys.com Hope you enjoy
Latest Post - Lists
How To Get Your Stimulus Check
“1. Contact the IRS and inform them that you are desperate for money and would like to receive a stimulus check 2. They will ask if you actually really need the money. Which you will reply “Yes” and provide them your address.”
by SAM EATING
Open Letters To People Or Entities Unlikely To Respond
Intern Wanted
“I am excited to announce my brand new internship program. An internship program designed to teach you all the basics of getting an internship, by helping me, Sam Eaton, search for and get an internship.”
by SAM TREATIN
Short Imagined Monologues
Good Luck Voting
“Because this is the game we like to play each November. You try to fulfill your most ‘protected’ constitutional right, and we try to stop you. Isn’t that fun? What already is an incredibly underfunded and inconvenient voting process for you, is our master plan designed to suppress the already marginalized voices of America!”
by SAMUEL YEATON
Fake News Story
Jesus Christ Returns
“With Jesus finally here, this was to be the end of needless violence and hate. But sadly, after two thousand years, Jesus Christ’s second coming was cut short after just an hour of protesting police brutality in the streets of Portland.”
by SAMUELTON
Short Imagined Monologues
Yes I’m Wearing A Mask Because I’m Robbing This Bank But Also Because I Respect Your Health
“So don’t think for a second that I am just another cold hearted robber who doesn’t care about your well being and only wants your money. I am actually a really nice guy, who also just happens to be a bank robber who wants all of your money.”
by SAMS EATE
Fictional Product
Trump Caskets ™️
“From the man who brought the world Trump University, Trump Steaks, and Trump Airlines – comes the newest item for the average American peasant, Trump Caskets ™ ! The essential funeral product of 2020!”
by SAMMY EATS
Open Letters To People Or Entities Unlikely To Respond
We Hear You We Stand With You
“So we would appreciate it if you would stop commenting on our posts about our ‘toxic performative allyship’ or ‘self-serving social media displays’ because honestly we don’t know what the fuck that is and it’s kinda killing our vibe.”
by HAM EATON
Fictional Funeral
In Memoriam : My College Graduation
“I always dreamt about the day we would be together, on a loud and crowded stage. I would be at least a couple beers deep, have my name called, stumble across the stage, we would embrace each other, and then never meet again. ”
by SAM YAM
Lists
Asking For A Smoke Break
“Hey Boss, cool if I go to the loading dock, crouch down in a near fetal position, plug my airpods in, rip off my mask, suck in the sweet smoke of a cig with the full extent of my lungs, and emotionally fuck the saddest song I can find on Spotify?”
by SAM JAM
Short Imagined Monologues
Tips For Interacting With People Again
“After spending so much time in isolation or silently hiding behind a mask, when you speak, your words may come out slower or not at all. Fight through the uncomfortability and project your voice!”
by SAM YEET’N